Being in a constant mind frame of change is not easy. Knowing that life is all about constant change doesn't help either. It causes the people around you to either change with you or stay where they are, and sometimes where they are is not where you want to be anymore. Its like a forest, the strongest, bravest, most courageous trees will grow to the top and have the best view. The others that can't prevail for whatever reason will be left behind. The tallest tress don't stunt their growth for the others or the forest would be a lot less beautiful. As I grow especially in the past few months it has taken a lot out of me, physically and emotionally. I am requiring a lot more sleep, (that I don't have the time for anyways). An uphill battle for positive change and adaptation. I don't believe I am fully responsible for others to change with me but I am responsible for communicating what I am going through. Which is why I am here today writing this blog. Most of you know my story, at least parts of it. But my story is a part of Annabelle's story which is how it fits into this blog. Everyone in life has struggles, has hard times, and its how we react to these things that make us who we are today. I have always chosen to fight, to fight for the truth. "If change was easy, everyone would be changing" The move back to Michigan has required more growth in such a short amount of time then anything I have experienced before. Growing up being bullied at school and living in an abusive home I had my mom there to help us through and my counselor that I saw every week. Ever since I was little I knew what my dad did was wrong. I didn't take the blame for my parents divorce. With the change in the past couple months I feel responsible for the people who aren't changing with me. These people are rejecting my way of living and I'm experiencing frequent anxiety, worry, and its hard to focus. I tell myself crying more is okay because it tells me there is a lot of emotional hurt that needs to leave my body. Having parts of my past creep back in and dealing with the present has been an emotional roller coaster. Staying focused on the positive is hard. For one of the first times in my life in order to be happy I have to be happy with me, with Allison. How can I change my life for the better and feel ashamed for that in the process?
I want this for me, I want to feel better and be healthier. The scale doesn't dictate if I'm loved and accepted. If I believe that I am worthy of love and respect now, I will invite courage compassion and connection into my life. I want to figure this out for me, I can do this.
This is the path I choose, change, life, light.
Monday, March 9, 2015
It's been a long time since I have blogged anything but I have some exciting news that justifies a post. (Melissa you should get a facebook). First bit of exciting news is this summer Linda filmed with some students (me being one of them). The DVD is out and Annabelle and I are on the front cover! We also made it onto the website as they were featuring it.
Mom ordered me the DVD so it should be here this week.
With Annabelles strange swelling around the cut she got last year. I have been taking it easy since about the end November, no lameness or unusual heat. We started back up again in January. Since then we are working towards finishing our level 4...finally! Her finesse is coming along really nicely. Even started playing with piaffe and passage. She is so talented and can't wait to see what the summer holds for us!
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Annabelle and I have an amazing team, I couldn't be more grateful! After some intense red light sessions I have discovered some more tightness in Annabelles back. My mom came in town to visit so I had the idea of keniso taping Annabelle. My mom is licensed to keniso tape and taught Heather the basics to continue the rest of the winter. With my main focus being rehabbing her this winter I decided to shave the area we would be taping. Sounds crazy I know but I have worn keniso tape myself and you don't believe if works until you've had it on. It's a tool many physical and occupational therapists use when rehabing patients. The tape is used to manipulate the muscle to release, relax, or contract. In addition to red lighting, I will continue the exercises we've started for her rehab all winter.
Friday, November 28, 2014
I was always a pretty independent kid, my way was usually right in my eyes. A lot of people still see me as this confident, independent girl who can conquer the world. The cover does say a lot about a book, but the inside is the best part!
A few years back I was this broken, lost girl, with more issues that you could count. No confidence, no trust in faith, couldn't believe in anything including myself. I was going through the motions of life. Work, eat, sleep. That's all I did and it didn't even really matter to me. I had no social life and didn't care for one, I didn't think I was good enough to have friends. Then a little light had turned on, all of a sudden I wanted a horse. So, I got one. From there the change that happened was rapid and upward. I'm growing into myself, growing in confidence (most days), understanding myself, growing in faith. I care about me, which seems silly, but there was a time I didn't. When I think of something trying to grow I think of a single seed. It's planted in the ground, on the earth all by itself. No sense of direction, it only knows the light is up. So it starts, as it grows it needs a system to give it water, support in the ground. The roots, the roots are the most important part of the plant. You kill the roots and it will die. But as the plant grows the roots get bigger and stronger. So when the plant is reaching up nothing can knock it down and kill it. I have an amazing root system that keeps me planted, but allows me to reach up and stand tall. I wish I could name each person individually but I would end up forgeting some of you because there are so many! I am so grateful for everyone who has believed in me and continues to. I couldn't do it without you. Without my roots I would have given up and fallen over by now. But now I have the strength. You guys encourage me to be my best always and to keep moving forward. I can't even express in words how blessed I am to have all of you. Now, I can conquer the world. I know it won't be easy, but I know it will be worth it.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the , “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~Jeremiah 29:11
Thursday, November 20, 2014
I generally don't start with a picture right away, but it spoke to me tonight. As many of my fellow Parelli peers know horsemanship is a journey. At times it's not always easy, simple, and sometimes enjoyable. Even though I've only been in it for 3 years I've heard the stories from others of the struggles they face and have faced. Without pain how can have you the strength to push through. Everyone struggles, everyone's journey has been hard at some time. Learn to see that in others so you can be for them. I have learned this with my horse. What qualities do we share that makes us bond even better? For Annabelle and I we are both fighters, both fighting for our life. She was fighting in a literal way, I was fighting to feel a purpose, to feel alive. Changing how I feel to things and how I internally react is an on-going process. At times painful, but it empowers me to grow and be better. I have been battling to decide if I want to write a book, talk about those hard deep feelings no one wants to talk about. My fear is being so emotionally exposed, but my biggest goal is to inspire others.
As for a more 'normal' blog update: we had our novi expo over the weekend. I was able to take my bridle off during the performance. After jumping she decided we should center to the gate..(hmmmm) and check things out. After lots of smiling we checked things out and went back to the middle to finish our performance. The energy of the crowd got her excited. And we all know how I get in those kinds of situations...hahaha. But I am so proud of her it was her second expo and my first time ever riding in a crowd like that! I need to work on my confidence! Hoping to get the video soon- it's not in my hands how quickly it is done so just waiting patiently :-) did some level 4 finesse and freestyle run throughs hoping to film those before the end of the month. Then just on-line, ground willing (it's frozen)!
Sunday, November 9, 2014
With some pretty intense upper body rehab, massages, supplements and over a month pretty much off. Annabelle is feeling and looking like herself. The year in Colorado wasn't good for her, it was hard to find something as perfect as I have it here. I let go of all the pressures I had on myself to get my level 4 filmed and put the focus on her and the long term her. A couple days ago I got an audition taped that I'm going to send in- my first level 4 audition. It's a Liberty audition which I surprised myself with because that's our hardest savvy. She had a hard time staying connected. Still bringing her back slowly and not expecting a lot I think she will be in really good shape come summer. 3 years ago when I got her if you would have told me in 3 years level 4 was within arms reach I would have thought you were crazy. She has taught me so much and continues to. Her sensitivity has given me really good feel and timing for other horses. She always speaks her mind about something she doesn't like which has made me better. For me it's not about having my level 4 but the journey we have had together to be this close. NOW let the games begin! I couldn't ask for a horse with a better foundation then the one that the Parelli program has given us.
Friday, October 31, 2014
Not usually words you see together, blessed challenges. That sums up my week, I don't usually like to talk about too much personal life especially negative things on my blog. This blog is also like a journal for when I write a book, (hopefully can get around to that). This has been an incredible journey so far, there has been hard times and challenges but this is by far the hardest challenge maybe in my life because my mom and stepdad are 1300 miles away. Coming to michigan I had a place to stay, my best friends house. She has a farm so Annabelle could stay there. She is like an angel to me that God put here for me. She makes me want to be better, and do good in this world. She is extremely talented in the physical well being of a horse and certified it equine massage. What a perfect pair- me using the horse psychology and her knowing the body, together we know we are the perfect pair. Our weaknesses is the others strengths. On Monday night after an awesome day with our horses we were surprised with the news that her parents wanted me out. I wasn't given an explanation other then 'they want privacy'. I was heartbroken went outside to call my mom before the breakdown happened. I didn't want anyone to see me upset, weak, broken, and scared. I tried to have faith that there was a reason. Everything happens for a reason right? I wasn't completely shocked as they weren't very nice to me from the start, always telling me what I was doing wrong. And changing the rules to make it very difficult for me to live there. As if they were trying to make it my decision to leave. I didn't feel at peace there, felt like I was walking on eggshells. So even though I was devastated, it felt like a ton of bricks being lifted off my shoulders. I am now living at the barn I first boarded Annabelle at. Living with Lori, the lady who taught me Parelli. I was welcomed with open arms, but I still feel homeless in a way. She has a family of her own, married with 4 boys and the farm. Feeling so alone, and unloved are hard feelings not to have. But I know deep down that I am surrounded with people who love me. During my second interview with Beaumont this morning I went up to visit a friend. I worked with him at Beaumont before, his fiancé who I have met a couple times gave me a beautiful bracelet with an amazing card that made me tear up. It could not have come at a more perfect time. I will post the pictures below. It reminded me that I have so many people who love me, for who I am. And for what I stand for, what I believe in. I should be surrounding myself with those people as I continue this journey. Not people who bring me down and remind me of a past I try to forget. I will be loving to them and kind, and treat them with respect. I will not feel guilty and ashamed for who I am. I will stand tall and trust God that no matter what happens its for a reason, and usually a good one.
So where do I go from here? From here I will move forward look ahead. Praying I will get this job. My best friend and I have decided to get an apartment together, so she will be moving out of her house (horses too). And we will move forward with our dreams. I am only sad in times I feel lonely, I know this is right. But just because it's right, it doesn't make it easy. I will shine, no one and nothing can get in the way. I am strong.