Thursday, May 21, 2015

Reaching for the view from the top

Being in a constant mind frame of change is not easy. Knowing that life is all about constant change doesn't help either. It causes the people around you to either change with you or stay where they are, and sometimes where they are is not where you want to be anymore. Its like a forest, the strongest, bravest, most courageous trees will grow to the top and have the best view. The others that can't prevail for whatever reason will be left behind. The tallest tress don't stunt their growth for the others or the forest would be a lot less beautiful. As I grow especially in the past few months it has taken a lot out of me, physically and emotionally. I am requiring a lot more sleep, (that I don't have the time for anyways). An uphill battle for positive change and adaptation. I don't believe I am fully responsible for others to change with me but I am responsible for communicating what I am going through. Which is why I am here today writing this blog. Most of you know my story, at least parts of it. But my story is a part of Annabelle's story which is how it fits into this blog. Everyone in life has struggles, has hard times, and its how we react to these things that make us who we are today. I have always chosen to fight, to fight for the truth. "If change was easy, everyone would be changing" The move back to Michigan has required more growth in such a short amount of time then anything I have experienced before. Growing up being bullied at school and living in an abusive home I had my mom there to help us through and my counselor that I saw every week. Ever since I was little I knew what my dad did was wrong. I didn't take the blame for my parents divorce. With the change in the past couple months I feel responsible for the people who aren't changing with me. These people are rejecting my way of living and I'm experiencing frequent anxiety, worry, and its hard to focus. I tell myself crying more is okay because it tells me there is a lot of emotional hurt that needs to leave my body. Having parts of my past creep back in and dealing with the present has been an emotional roller coaster. Staying focused on the positive is hard.  For one of the first times in my life in order to be happy I have to be happy with me, with Allison. How can I change my life for the better and feel ashamed for that in the process?
 I want this for me, I want to feel better and be healthier. The scale doesn't dictate if I'm loved and accepted. If I believe that I am worthy of love and respect now, I will invite courage compassion and connection into my life. I want to figure this out for me, I can do this.
This is the path I choose, change, life,   light.

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